Moving to St. George!
Having owned a home in St. George, I can intimately relate to the sentiments of this hilarious account!
- May 30 — Just moved to St. George. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! It is beautiful. I have finally found my permanent home. I love it here!
- June 14 — Really heating up! Got to 100 today. Not a problem. I live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car, and work in an air-conditioned building. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I’m gladly turning into a sun-worshiper.
- June 30 — Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
- July 10 — The temperature hasn’t been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it’s kind of windy though. However, getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.
- July 15 — Fell asleep by the community pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol’ sun in this climate.
- July 20 — My cat snuck into my car when I left for work this morning, and I was unaware that she was in the car when I went into work. By the time I returned to my car at noon, my cat was dead and swollen up to the size of a large watermelon. The upholstery stank to high heaven. My car now smells like Kibbles and Carcass. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this climate.
- July 25 — The wind is intolerable. It feels like a giant blast furnace! And it is hotter than Hades. My home A/C unit is on the fritz and the repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needs to order parts. I’m gonna execute the next guy that tells me that at least St. George has a “dry” heat. Yea, so does a convection oven.
- July 30 — Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now. Last night it was 98 degrees in my living room! I have a $425,000 home and I can’t even walk inside. Why did I ever come to this inferno?
- August 4 — It was 116 degrees today. Finally got the A/C fixed today. It cost $500 and it gets the temperature all the way down to 88 degrees in the house. Some day I want to meet this ‘St. George’ and tell him what I think about this infernal town that he founded. He is no ‘saint’ in my book!
- August 8 — If another wise-guy cracks “Hot enough for you today?” I’m going to strangle him. Obnoxious heat. By the time I get to work each day, my radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat.
- August 9 — Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts. When I sat on the car seat, I thought my gluteus caught on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs. My car now smells like burnt hair and roasted cat.
- August 10 — The weather report might as well be a recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It has been too hot to do anything productive for over 2 months now, but the weatherman says it might really warm up this next week. Doesn’t it ever rain in this desert? Water rationing will be next. My cactus plants, which cost me $1700, have now all died and blown away. They can’t even survive in this heat.
- August 14 — Welcome to Hades! Temperature was 118 today. Forgot to crack the windows in my car and the windshield was blown out of the car. The installer came to fix it and said, “Hot enough for you today?”. My sister had to spend $1500 to bail me out of jail.