Scripture Quips & Jokes, compiled by Michael Taylor
Query – Are you aware that the apostle Paul, despite his busy proselyting schedule, found time to do some surfing?
Reply – Yes, apparently he did, because in Acts 27:41-44 we learn that a ship Paul was imprisoned on ran aground, and it was being torn apart by the violent sea. “… And the soldiers’ counsel was to kill the prisoners, lest any of them should swim out, and escape. But the centurion, willing to save Paul, kept them from their purpose; and commanded that they which could swim should cast themselves into the sea, and get to land: and the rest, SOME ON BOARDS, and some on broken pieces of the ship. And so it came to pass, that they escaped all safe to land.”
Query – What is the most famous orchestra mentioned in the New Testament?
Reply – Probably the “Italian band”, because Acts 10:1 states, “There was a certain man … called Cornelius, a centurion of the band called the Italian band,…”
Query – Why are golfers so anxious to inherit the Celestial Kingdom?
Reply – Because 1 Nephi tells us that “the COURSE of the Lord is one eternal ROUND.”
Query – Why do Latter-day Saints with pulpit-fright relate so well to king Benjamin?
Reply – Because king Benjamin, as he addressed his people, stated, “…even at this time, my whole frame doth tremble exceedingly while attempting to speak to you…” (Mosiah 2:30).
Query – What was the name of Nephi’s (son of Helaman) horse?
Reply – The name must have been ‘be unto you’ because on numerous occasions Nephi said, “Wo (whoa) be unto you…” (e.g. Helaman 7:25 & 27)
Query – According to Alma, why does a Cyclops have an advantage in the quest for personal righteousness?
Reply – Because, as stated in Mosiah , we “should look forward with one eye, having one faith and one baptism…”
Query – What is the earliest reference to automobiles in the Book of Mormon?
Reply – It must be in Ether 1:38 when Jared said to his brother, “Go and inquire of the Lord whether He will drive us out of the land…”
Query – Who was the smallest man in the Book of Mormon?
Reply – It must have been the prophet Ether, because Ether 13:13-14 tells us that he dwelt in a cavity.
Query – Should dog-owners be worried about their eventual salvation?
Reply – Apparently so. In Moroni we read that we should be “perfect in Christ”, “sanctified in Christ”, and that we should “become holy, without spot” (Spot).
Query – Did Lehi have a pet insect?
Reply – Apparently so. In 1 Nephi 5:8 we are told that the Lord commanded Lehi to take his family and flee (flea) into the wilderness.
Query – How do we know that the Nephites were not bothered with termites shortly after the resurrected Lord visited them in the Land Bountiful?
Reply – 4 Nephi 1:17 states that “there were no robbers, nor murderers, neither were there Lamanites, nor any manner of –ites;”.
Query – What group of people in the Book of Mormon had the most difficulty getting a good night’s sleep?
Reply – It must have been the soldiers of Coriantumr and Shiz, because in Ether -24 we are told that, for three nights in a row, they slept on their swords (ouch!)