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justfun58 (clean jokes ** )

Clean Jokes

Ø   A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.  She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, “Honey, pack your bags!  I won the lottery!”  The husband excitedly replied, “Oh my word!  What should I pack, beach stuff or golf stuff?”  “It doesn’t matter,” she replied, “Just pack your bags and get out!”

Ø   Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other person is the husband.

Ø   A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a drivers license.  The examiner told him that he would first have to take an eye exam.  He showed the man a card with the following letters:  C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.   “Can you read this?” the examiner
asked.  “Read it?” the Polish man replied, “I know the guy!”

Ø   The secret to a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, and to have the two as close together as possible. — George Burns

Ø   By all means, get married.  If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher! — Socrates

Ø   My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.  Every now and then she stops to breathe. — Jimmy Durante

Ø   Money can’t buy happiness, but it can bring you a more pleasant form of misery. — Spike Milligan

Ø      Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, ‘Why is the bride dressed in white?”  The mother replied,
“Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.” The child thought about this for a moment then said, ‘So why is the groom wearing black?’                       

Ø      A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!” While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, ‘Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late…But please don’t shove me either!’

Ø      Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, ‘My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50..’  The second boy says, ‘That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.’ The third boy says, ‘I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!’

Ø      An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, ‘They wouldn’t take me out while I was alive, I don’t want them to take me out when I’m dead.’                        

       Ø      A police recruit was asked during the exam, ‘What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?’ He answered, ‘Call for backup’.     

Ø      A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, ‘They couldn’t get a baby-sitter. ‘            

Ø      A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to ‘Honor thy father and thy mother,’ she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our
brothers and sisters?’ Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, ‘Thou shall not kill.’               

Ø      At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, ‘Johnny, what is the matter?’ Little Johnny responded, ‘I have pain in my side.. I think I’m going to have a wife.’                

Ø      Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, ‘What do you think about all this Satan stuff?’ The other boy replied, ‘Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It’s probably just your

Ø      A skeleton walked into a bar and asked for a beer and a mop.

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