Golf — The world’s most exasperating hobby!
Can you relate to the following suggestions and observations about this befuddling game we play with a small white ball?
- Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
- When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
- If you are afraid a full shot might reach the green while the group ahead is still putting, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up,
or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
- The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas with you about your golf swing.
- If it isn’t broke, try changing your grip.
- Golfers who claim they don’t cheat also lie.
- Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
- A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent’s luck.
- It’s surprisingly easy to sink a 50-foot putt when you lie.
- Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
- Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
- It’s not a ‘gimme’ putt if you’re still away.
- The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through a large tree with large branches.
- There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces and bounces just the way you intended to play it.
- You can hit a two-acre fairway 10% of the time and a 2-inch branch on a tree 90% of the time.
- Every time a golfer makes a birdie he must subsequently make three triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
- If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Jordan Spieth try to hit just short of a water hazard.
- To calculate the speed of a player’s downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap. Example, backswing 20 miles per hour, handicap, 15, downswing 300 m.p.h.
- There are only two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and
which hand is wearing a glove.
- Hazards attract, fairways repel.
- You can put “hook” on the ball, you can put “slice” on the ball, but no golfer can put “straight” on the ball.
- A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
- If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker.
- If both balls are in the sand, yours is in the footprint.
- Don’t buy a putter until you have had a chance to throw it.
- The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors.