TO ALL EMPLOYEES — Be advised of the following changes to our official Office Policy:
1) DRESS CODE: You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, we will assume you need to learn to manage your money better, and therefore you do not merit a raise. If you dress appropriate for your salary, you are right where you need to be financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
2) SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go see a doctor, you are able to come to work.
3) PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays and Sundays.
4) BEREAVEMENT DAYS: Bereavement is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort
should be made to have non-employee members of your family attend funerals. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and then later leave one hour early for ‘bereavement’ purposes.
5) BATHROOM BREAKS: Employees are spending entirely too much time in the bathroom. There is now a strict three minute time-limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Bathroom Offenders” banner. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company’s mental health policy.
6) LUNCH BREAKS: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch. They need to eat more so that they can look healthy for our clients. Normal sized people get 15 minutes for lunch. This is plenty of time to eat a balanced meal which will maintain their average figures. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch. That is
sufficient time to drink a Slimfast.
7) THANK YOU: Thank you for your loyalty to the company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, and input should be