- Why did the fungi leave the party? Cuz there wasnt mushroom!
- My friend is engaged in a major custody battle. His wife doesnt want him and his mother wont take him back.
- Miss Francis, I aint got no crayons. Young man, you mean I dont have any crayons. You dont have any crayons. We dont have any crayons. They dont have any crayons. Do you see what Im getting at? I think so. What happened to all the crayons?
- Age doesnt always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
- Hello, Doctor? Yes? My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart! Is this her first child? No, this
is her husband!
- There is a veterinarian who is also a taxidermist. Either way, you get your dog back.
- A businessman in New York called his mother on Long Island. Mom, its me. Dont worry about not calling. If I had a stroke, it probably wouldnt be that bad. Im sorry. Dont worry about not visiting me. If I were on the floor, I could probably drag myself over to the phone and call for help. Mom, Ive been terribly busy. Im awfully sorry. But were coming this weekend, the whole family. Me and Doris and the kids. Doris? My wife, Doris. Your wifes name is Hannah! Is this 516-555-9312? 9313. Oh, Im terribly sorry, madam. You mean youre not coming?
- How many angels can fit in a Honda? All of them. For it is written: All of my angels shall sing my praises in one Accord.
- The secretary was leaving the office when she saw the CEO standing by a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. Listen, said the CEO, this is a very important document. Can you make this thing work? The secretary turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. Great, said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. I just need one copy.
- Two ducks were swimming along, and one of them said, Quack! The other duck said, Oh, my gosh! I was just about to say the same thing!
- Some turtles went on a picnic. It took them ten days to get there, and when they arrived they realized theyd forgotten the bottle opener, so they told the littlest one to go back for it. He said, No, as soon as I go youll eat the sandwiches. But they promised they wouldnt, and he left. They waited for him ten days, twenty days, and after thirty days they were so hungry they had to eat a sandwich. And as soon as they took a bite, the turtle came out from behind a rock and said, See? Thats why Im not going!
- Why is it great to be a test-tube baby? You get a womb with a view.
- Woman: Did you know that women are smarter than men? Man: No, I didnt. Woman: See what I mean?
- How many men does it take to change a toilet paper roll? Who knows, its never happened.
- Son: Mama, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becoss Im Norvegian? Mom: No, its because youre nineteen.
- On my computer are the two buttons representing the things I can never have: Control and Escape.
- Is it true that an alligator wont attack you if you carry a flashlight? Depends on how fast you carry the flashlight.
- What has four legs and one arm? A Rottweiler.