- Why did the fungi leave the party? Cuz there wasn’t mushroom!
- My friend is engaged in a major custody battle. His wife doesn’t want him and his mother won’t take him back.
- “Miss Francis, I ain’t got no crayons.” “Young man, you mean ‘I don’t have any crayons. You don’t have any crayons. We don’t have any crayons. They don’t have any crayons. Do you see what I’m getting at?” “I think so. What happened to all the crayons?”
- Age doesn’t always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
- “Hello, Doctor?” “Yes?” “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” “Is this her first child?” “No, this
is her husband!”
- There is a veterinarian who is also a taxidermist. Either way, you get your dog back.
- A businessman in New York called his mother on Long Island. “Mom, it’s me.” “Don’t worry about not calling. If I had a stroke, it probably wouldn’t be that bad.” “I’m sorry.” “Don’t worry about not visiting me. If I were on the floor, I could probably drag myself over to the phone and call for help.” “Mom, I’ve been terribly busy. I’m awfully sorry. But we’re coming this weekend, the whole family. Me and Doris and the kids.” “Doris?” “My wife, Doris.” “Your wife’s name is Hannah!” “Is this 516-555-9312?” “9313.” “Oh, I’m terribly sorry, madam.” “You mean you’re not coming?”
- How many angels can fit in a Honda? All of them. For it is written: “All of my angels shall sing my praises in one Accord.”
- The secretary was leaving the office when she saw the CEO standing by a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. “Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very important document. Can you make this thing work?” The secretary turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. “Great,” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”
- Two ducks were swimming along, and one of them said, “Quack!” The other duck said, “Oh, my gosh! I was just about to say the same thing!”
- Some turtles went on a picnic. It took them ten days to get there, and when they arrived they realized they’d forgotten the bottle opener, so they told the littlest one to go back for it. He said, “No, as soon as I go you’ll eat the sandwiches.” But they promised they wouldn’t, and he left. They waited for him ten days, twenty days, and after thirty days they were so hungry they had to eat a sandwich. And as soon as they took a bite, the turtle came out from behind a rock and said, “See? That’s why I’m not going!”
- Why is it great to be a test-tube baby? You get a womb with a view.
- Woman: Did you know that women are smarter than men? Man: No, I didn’t. Woman: See what I mean?
- How many men does it take to change a toilet paper roll? Who knows, it’s never happened.
- Son: Mama, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becoss I’m Norvegian? Mom: No, it’s because you’re nineteen.
- On my computer are the two buttons representing the things I can never have: Control and Escape.
- Is it true that an alligator won’t attack you if you carry a flashlight? Depends on how fast you carry the flashlight.
- What has four legs and one arm? A Rottweiler.
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