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More Clean Jokes

More Clean Jokes


The Pastor — One Sunday morning,
a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for
church, to which he replied, “I’m not going.”  “Why
not?”, she asked.  “I’ll give you two good reasons,” he
said. “(1), they don’t like me, and (2), I don’t like them.” 
His mother replied, “I’ll give you two good reasons why you SHOULD go to
church:  (1) You’re 49 years old, and (2) you’re the
pastor!” 

The Picnic — A Jewish Rabbi and
a Catholic Priest met at the town’s annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends,
they began their usual banter. “This baked ham is really
delicious,” the priest teased the rabbi. “You really ought to try
it.. I know it’s against your religion, but I can’t understand why such a
wonderful food should be forbidden! You don’t know what you’re missing.
You just haven’t lived until you’ve tried Mrs. Hall’s prized Virginia Baked
Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?” 
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, “At your
wedding.” 

The Usher — An elderly
woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at
the door and helped her up the flight of steps. “Where would you like
to sit?” he asked politely. “The front row, please,” she
answered. “You really don’t want to do that,” the usher said.
“The pastor is really boring.”  “Do you happen to know
who I am?” the woman inquired.  “No,” he said.  “I’m the pastor’s mother,” she
replied indignantly.  “Do you know
who I am?” he asked. “No,” she said. “Good,”
he answered.

Show and Tell — A kindergarten
teacher gave her class a “show and tell” assignment. Each student was
instructed to bring in an object that represented their religion to share with
the class.  The first student got up in front of the class and said,
“My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of
David.”  The second student got up in front of the class and said,
“My name is Mary. I’m a Catholic and this is a Rosary.”  The
third student got in up front of the class and said, “My name is Tommy. I
am Mormon, and this is a casserole.” 

The

Best Way

To Pray — A priest, a
minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a
telephone repairman worked nearby.”Kneeling is definitely the best way to
pray,” the priest said. “No,” said the minister. “I
get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to
Heaven.” “You’re both wrong,” the guru said. “The most
effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.”  The repairman
could contain himself no longer. “Hey, fellahs,” he interrupted.
“The best praying’ I ever did was when I was hanging’ upside down from a
telephone pole.”

The Twenty and the One — A
well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived
at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired.  As they moved along the conveyor
belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill
reminisced about its travels all over the country. “I’ve had a pretty
good life,” the twenty proclaimed.. “Why I’ve been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City,
the finest restaurants in New York,
performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean …”  “Wow!” said the one-dollar bill. “You’ve
really had an exciting life!” “So, tell me,” says the
twenty, “where have you been throughout your lifetime?”  The one
dollar bill replies, “Oh, I’ve been to the MethodistChurch, the BaptistChurch, the LutheranChurch ..”   The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, “What’s a
church?”  

Goat for Dinner — The
young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in
the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were
having. “Goat,” the little boy replied. “Goat?”
replied the startled man of the cloth, “Are you sure about
that?”  “Yep,” said the youngster. “I heard Dad
say to Mom, ‘Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.’

Short life-span?
— A man charged into a jewelry shop, slammed his fists angrily on the counter,
removed a wristwatch from his wrist, and shook it under the nose of the owner
of the shop. “When I bought this watch last week, you said it would last
me a lifetime!  The watch is broken
already!” he yelled. “That may be…” admitted the owner,
“…but you looked pretty sick the day you bought it.” 

 

New
dog breeds
The
following breeds are now recognized by the American Kennel Club  :o) 
   1/ 
Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy
transporting 
   2/ 
Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot 
   3/ 
Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet 
   4/ 
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed 
   5/ 
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog 
   6/ 
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog
fresh and clean as a whistle 
   7/ 
Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial
advisors 
   8/ 
Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes  

 

Paid in full! — A woman was getting swamped with calls from
strangers. The reason? A billing service had launched an 800 number that was
identical to hers. When she called to complain, she was told to get a new
number. “I’ve had mine for twenty years,” she pleaded.
“Couldn’t you change yours?”  The company refused, so she said,
“Fine. From now on, I’m going to tell everyone who calls that their bill
is paid in full.” The company got a new number the next day. 

  

Starry skies — Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping
trip, set up their tent, and fell asleep. Some hours later, Holmes woke up his
faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you
see.” Watson replied, “I see millions of
stars.” “What does that tell you?” Watson pondered for
a minute. “Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of
galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that
Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past
three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small
and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful
day tomorrow. What does it tell you?” Holmes was silent for a
moment, then calmly said, “Watson, it tells me that someone has stolen our
tent.” 

 

Christmas Carols Renamed (the answers follow the
renamed carols) —

 

  1. ‘Quadruped With Crimson Proboscis’, or ‘Uncouth Olf
    Has His Beezer Glowing And Thinks He Is A Dark Cloud’s Friend’

  2. ‘Eight P.M. To 6 A.M. Without Noise’, or ‘Nocturnal
    Timespan Of Unbroken Quietness’, or ‘Sir Lancelot With
    Laryngitis’

  3. ‘Miniscule Hamlet In The Near East’, or ‘Small Municipality In Judea Southeast Of Jerusalem’, or ‘Small
    Israeli Urban Center’

  4. ‘Ancient Benevolent Despot’

  5. ‘Adorn The Vestibule’, or ‘Embellish The Interior
    Passageways’, or ‘Decorate The Entryways’

  6. ‘Exuberance Directed To The Planet’, or ‘An Emotion
    Excited By The Acquisition Of Good Given To The Terrestrial
    Sphere’, or ‘Jubilation To The Entire Terrestrial Globe’

  7. ‘Listen, Aerial Spirits Announcing’, or ‘Listen, The
    Celestial Messengers Produce Harmonious Sounds’, or ‘Listen, The
    Winged Heavenly Messengers Are Proclaiming Tunefully’

  8. ‘Trio Of Monarchs’, or ‘The First Person Nominative
    Plural Of A Triumvirate Of Far Eastern Heads Of State’, or ‘Tiny
    Little Alan, Kong And Nat Cole’

  9. ‘Yonder In The Hay Rack’, or ‘In A Distant Location
    The Existence Of An Impoverished Unit Of Newborn Children’s Slumber
    Furniture’, or ‘Far Back In The Hay Bin’

  10. ‘Cherubim Audited From Aloft’, or ‘Exalted Heavenly
    Beings To Whom Hearkened’

  11. ‘Assemble, Everyone Who Believes’, or ‘Move
    Hitherward The Entire Assembly Of Those Who Are Loyal In Their Belief’

  12. ‘Hallowed Post Meridian’, or ‘In
    Awe Of Nocturnal Time Span Characterized By Religiosity’, or ‘A
    Strafed Member Of The Round Table’

  13. ‘Fantasia Of A Colorless December 25’, or ‘Natal Celebration
    Devoid of Color’

  14. ‘Tintinnabulations’,  or ‘Tintinnabulations Of
    Vacillating Pendulums In Inverted, Metallic Resonant Cups’

  15. ‘A Dozen Twenty-Four Yule Periods’, or ‘Duodecimal
    Enumeration Of The Passage Of The Yuletide Season’

  16. ‘Befell During The Transparent Bewitching Hour’, or ‘Twelve
    O’clock On A Clement Night Witnessed Its Arrival’, or ‘An Event
    Which Arrived During A Cloudless Witching Hour’

  17. ‘Homo Sapiens Of Crystallized Vapor’, or ‘Obese
    Personification Fabricated Of Compressed Mounds Of Minute Crystals’

  18. ‘Desire A Pair Of Incisors On December 25’, or ‘Wanted
    In December:  Forward Incisors’

  19. ‘I Spied My Maternal Parent Osculating’, or  ‘A
    Parent was Observed Consoling a Red-Coated Unshaven Teamster’

  20. ‘Perambulating Through a December Solstice Fantasy’, or ‘Geographic
    State Of Fantasy During The Season Of Mother Nature’s Dormancy’

  21. ‘The Christmas Preceding All Others’

  22. ‘Diminutive Masculine Master of Skin-Covered Percussion
    Cylinders’, or ‘The Lad Is A Diminutive Percussionist’

  23. ‘Omnipotent Supreme Being Who Elicits Respite To Ecstatic
    Distinguished Males’, or ‘May A Deity Bestow An Absence Of
    Fatigue To Humanity’

  24. ‘Expectation Of Arrival To Populated Area By Mythical,
    Masculine Perennial Gift Giver’, or ‘The Red-Suited Pa Is Due In This
    Burg’

  25. ‘Proceed Forth Declaring Upon A Specific Geological Alpine
    Formation’, or ‘Leave And Do an Elevated Broadcast’

  26. ‘Jovial Yuletide Desired For The Second Person Singular Or
    Plural By Us’, or ‘Our Fervent Hope Is That You Thoroughly Enjoy
    Your Yuletide Season’

  27. ‘Stepping Upon The Pad Cover’

  28. ‘Cap-Shaped Sounding Instruments Fashioned Of A White Metallic
    Element’

  29. ‘As the Guardians Of Little Woolly Animals Protect Their
    Charges In The Shadows Of The Earth’

  30. ‘Behold, I Envisioned A Trio Of Nautical Vessels’

  31. ‘A Joyful Song Of Reverence Relative To Hollow Metallic Vessels
    Which Vibrate And Bring Forth A Ringing
    Sound When Struck’

  32. ‘Do You Perceive the Same Longitudinal Pressure Which
    Stimulates My Auditory Sense Organs?’



Christmas Carols Renamed (Answers)

 

  1. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

  2. Silent Night

  3. O Little Town of Bethlehem

  4. Good King Wenceslas

  5. Deck the Halls

  6. Joy To The World

  7. Hark, The Herald Angels Sing

  8. We Three Kings

  9. Away In A Manger

  10. Angels We Have Heard On High

  11. O Come, All Ye Faithful

  12. O Holy Night

  13. I’m Dreaming Of A White Christmas

  14. Jingle Bells

  15. The Twelve Days Of Christmas

  16. It Came Upon A Midnight Clear

  17. Frosty, The Snowman

  18. All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth

  19. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

  20. Winter Wonderland

  21. The First Noel

  22. Little Drummer Boy

  23. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen

  24. Santa Claus Is Coming to Town

  25. Go, Tell It On The Mountain

  26. We Wish You A Merry Christmas

  27. Up On The Housetop

  28. Silver Bells

  29. As Shepherds Watched Their Flocks By Night

  30. I Saw Three Ships Come Sailing In

  31. Carol Of The Bells

  32. Do You Hear What I Hear?

 

The four stages of life    1) You
believe in Santa Claus   2) You don’t
believe in Santa Claus   3) You become
Santa Claus   4) You look like Santa
Claus.  

 

In short, the
joke is…
— Our manager at the
restaurant where I worked was a friendly, jovial man. But there was one subject
you didn’t dare discuss in front of him–his height. Or, should I say, his lack
of it. One day he stormed through the door and announced angrily,
“Someone just picked my pocket!”   Most of my fellow waitresses and I were
speechless, except for one who blurted out, “How could anyone stoop so
low?” 

 

Honest to a
point
— A very successful investment
counselor decided to start her own financial planning business. She was shrewd
and diligent, and her list of clients grew quickly.  She soon realized that she needed an in-house
counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers. 
“As I’m
sure you can understand,” she started off with one of the first
applicants, “in a business like this, our personal integrity must be
beyond question.” She leaned forward. “Mr. Peterson, are you an HONEST
lawyer?”   “Honest?”
replied the job prospect. “Let me tell you something about honesty. Why,
I’m so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education
and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.” 
“Impressive… And what sort of case was that?”   The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted,
“My father sued me for the money.” 

 

Easy
Diagnosis
— A young woman went to her
doctor complaining of pain.  “Where
are you hurting?” asked the doctor. “You have to help me, I hurt all
over”, said the woman.  “What
do you mean, all over?” asked the doctor, “be a little more
specific.”   The woman touched her right knee with her
index finger and yelled, “Ouch! That hurts.”  Then she touched her left cheek and again
yelled, “Ouch! That hurts, too.” Then she touched her right earlobe,
“Ouch, even THAT hurts”, she cried.  The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a
moment and told her his diagnosis, “My friend, you have a broken
finger.”

 

Night vision — Tiger
Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says,
“How’s the singing career going?”  Stevie replies, “Not too bad. How’s the
golf?”  Woods replies, “Not too
bad. I’ve had some problems with my swing, but I think I’ve got that fixed now.”
 Stevie says, “I always find that
when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think
about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.”  Incredulous, Tiger says, “You play
GOLF?”  Stevie says, “Yes, I’ve
been playing for years.”  Tiger
says, “But — you’re blind! How can you play golf if you can’t see?”  Stevie Wonder replies, “Well, I get my
caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the
sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the
ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again
I play the ball towards his voice.” 
“But, how do you putt?” asks Tiger.  “Well”, says Stevie, “I get my
caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the
ground and I just play the ball toward his voice.”  Tiger asks, “What’s your handicap?”  Stevie says, “Well, actually — I’m a
scratch golfer.”  Woods,
incredulous, says to Stevie, “We’ve got to play a round sometime.”  Stevie replies, “Well, people don’t take
me seriously, so I only play for money and never for less than $10,000 a hole.
Is that a problem?”

Woods thinks about it and says,
“I can afford that; OK, I’m game … $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When
would you like to play?”  Stevie
Wonder says, “Pick a night.”

 

Quiz for very bright people (answers follow the quiz)  — This is a quiz for people who know
everything! I found out in a hurry that I didn’t.  These are not
trick questions. They are straight questions with
straight answers. 
  1.  Name the one sport in which neither the spectators
nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.
  2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving
backward?
  3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their
own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted
every year.   What are the only two perennial vegetables?                     4. What fruit
has its seeds on the outside?  
  5. In
liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the
bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn’t
been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              6. Name five words in
standard English that begin with the letters ‘dw’.  
  7. There are 14 punctuation marks
in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?  
  8. Name the only vegetable or
fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any
other form except fresh.  
  9. Name 6 or more things that you
can wear on your feet beginning with the letter ‘S.’
  
Answers To Quiz:  
 
 1. Boxing.
 2. Niagara Falls.  The edge of the falls worn down about two and
a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water
that rush over it every minute.
 3. Asparagus and rhubarb.
 4. The strawberry.
 5. The pear grew inside the bottles. The
bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired 
in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing
season. When the pears  are ripe, they
are snipped off at the stems.
 6. Dwarf, dwell, dwindle, dwelling,
dwelt, dwarfism, dwells, dwindles, dwindled, etc.
 7. Period, comma, colon, semicolon,
dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, 
quotation mark, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.  
 8. Lettuce.
 9. Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers,
slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.  

Great quote:  While the Lord will magnify us in both subtle
and dramatic ways, he can only guide our footsteps when we move our feet.”  Marion G. Romney (Ensign, May 1981, page 91)

 

The explanation: Brains of older people are slow because they know so
much.  People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them
longer to recall facts because they have more information
in their brains, scientists believe. Much like a computer struggles as the
hard drive gets full up, so to do humans take longer to access
information, it has been suggested.  Researchers
say this slowing down it is not the same as cognitive decline.  The
human brain works slower in old age, said Dr. Michael Ramscar, but only because
we have stored more information over time.  The brains of older people do not get weak. On
the contrary, they simply know more.  Also,
older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there,
they stand there wondering what they came for.  It is NOT a memory problem;
it is nature’s way of making older people do more exercise. 
SO THERE!   

 


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