More Clean Jokes
The Pastor — One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, “I’m not going.” “Why not?”, she asked. “I’ll give you two good reasons,” he said. “(1), they don’t like me, and (2), I don’t like them.” His mother replied, “I’ll give you two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church: (1) You’re 49 years old, and (2) you’re the pastor!”
The Picnic — A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town’s annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. “This baked ham is really delicious,” the priest teased the rabbi. “You really ought to try it.. I know it’s against your religion, but I can’t understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don’t know what you’re missing.
You just haven’t lived until you’ve tried Mrs. Hall’s prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?” The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, “At your wedding.”
The Usher — An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. “Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely. “The front row, please,” she answered. “You really don’t want to do that,” the usher said. “The pastor is really boring.” “Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired. “No,” he said. “I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly. “Do you know who I am?” he asked. “No,” she said. “Good,” he answered.
Show and Tell — A kindergarten teacher gave her class a “show and tell” assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object that represented their religion to share with
the class. The first student got up in front of the class and said, “My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David.” The second student got up in front of the class and said, “My name is Mary. I’m a Catholic and this is a Rosary.” The third student got in up front of the class and said, “My name is Tommy. I am Mormon, and this is a casserole.”
The Best Way To Pray — A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby. “Kneeling is definitely the best way to
pray,” the priest said. “No,” said the minister. “I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.” “You’re both wrong,” the guru said. “The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.” The repairman could contain himself no longer. “Hey, fellahs,” he interrupted. “The best praying’ I ever did was when I was hanging’ upside down from a
telephone pole.”
The Twenty and the One — A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor
belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. “I’ve had a pretty good life,” the twenty proclaimed.. “Why I’ve been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean …” “Wow!” said the one-dollar bill. “You’ve really had an exciting life!” “So, tell me,” says the twenty, “where have you been throughout your lifetime?” The one dollar bill replies, “Oh, I’ve been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church ..” The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, “What’s a church?”
Goat for Dinner — The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were
having. “Goat,” the little boy replied. “Goat?” replied the startled man of the cloth, “Are you sure about that?” “Yep,” said the youngster. “I heard Dad say to Mom, ‘Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.’ ”
Short life-span? — A man charged into a jewelry shop, slammed his fists angrily on the counter, removed a wristwatch from his wrist, and shook it under the nose of the owner
of the shop. “When I bought this watch last week, you said it would last me a lifetime! The watch is broken already!” he yelled. “That may be…” admitted the owner, “…but you looked pretty sick the day you bought it.”
New dog breeds — The following breeds are now recognized by the American Kennel Club :o)
1/ Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transporting
2/ Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
3/ Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
4/ Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
5/ Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog
6/ Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
7/ Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
8/ Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Paid in full! — A woman was getting swamped with calls from strangers. The reason? A billing service had launched an 800 number that was identical to hers. When she called to complain, she was told to get a new number. “I’ve had mine for twenty years,” she pleaded. “Couldn’t you change yours?” The company refused, so she said, “Fine. From now on, I’m going to tell everyone who calls that their bill is paid in full.” The company got a new number the next day.
Starry skies — Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fell asleep. Some hours later, Holmes woke up his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” Watson replied, “I see millions of stars.” “What does that tell you?” Watson pondered for a minute. “Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?” Holmes was silent for a
moment, then calmly said, “Watson, it tells me that someone has stolen our tent.”
Christmas Carols Renamed (the answers follow the renamed carols) —
Quadruped With Crimson Proboscis, or Uncouth Olf
- Quadruped with a crimson proboscis Has His Beezer Glowing And Thinks He Is A Dark Clouds Friend
- Eight P.M. To 6 A.M. Without Noise, or Nocturnal Timespan Of Unbroken Quietness, or Sir Lancelot With Laryngitis
- Miniscule Hamlet In The Near East, or Small Municipality In Judea Southeast Of Jerusalem, or Small Israeli Urban Center
- Ancient Benevolent Despot
- Adorn The Vestibule, or Embellish The Interior Passageways, or Decorate The Entryways
- Exuberance Directed To The Planet, or An Emotion Excited By The Acquisition Of Good Given To The Terrestrial Sphere, or Jubilation To The Entire Terrestrial Globe
- Listen, Aerial Spirits Announcing, or Listen, The Celestial Messengers Produce Harmonious Sounds, or Listen, The Winged Heavenly Messengers Are Proclaiming Tunefully
- Trio Of Monarchs, or The First Person Nominative Plural Of A Triumvirate Of Far Eastern Heads Of State, or Tiny Little Alan, Kong And Nat Cole
- Yonder In The Hay Rack, or In A Distant Location The Existence Of An Impoverished Unit Of Newborn Childrens Slumber Furniture, or Far Back In The Hay Bin
- Cherubim Audited From Aloft, or Exalted Heavenly Beings To Whom Hearkened
- Assemble, Everyone Who Believes, or Move Hitherward The Entire Assembly Of Those Who Are Loyal In Their Belief
- Hallowed Post Meridian, or In Awe Of Nocturnal Time Span Characterized By Religiosity, or A Strafed Member Of The Round Table
- Fantasia Of A Colorless December 25, or Natal Celebration Devoid of Color
- Tintinnabulations, or Tintinnabulations Of Vacillating Pendulums In Inverted, Metallic Resonant Cups
- A Dozen Twenty-Four Yule Periods, or Duodecimal Enumeration Of The Passage Of The Yuletide Season
- Befell During The Transparent Bewitching Hour, or Twelve Oclock On A Clement Night Witnessed Its Arrival, or An Event Which Arrived During A Cloudless Witching Hour
- Homo Sapiens Of Crystallized Vapor, or Obese Personification Fabricated Of Compressed Mounds Of Minute Crystals
- Desire A Pair Of Incisors On December 25, or Wanted In December: Forward Incisors
- I Spied My Maternal Parent Osculating, or A Parent was Observed Consoling a Red-Coated Unshaven Teamster
- Perambulating Through a December Solstice Fantasy, or Geographic State Of Fantasy During The Season Of Mother Natures Dormancy
- The Christmas Preceding All Others
- Diminutive Masculine Master of Skin-Covered Percussion Cylinders, or The Lad Is A Diminutive Percussionist
- Omnipotent Supreme Being Who Elicits Respite To Ecstatic Distinguished Males, or May A Deity Bestow An Absence Of Fatigue To Humanity
- Expectation Of Arrival To Populated Area By Mythical, Masculine Perennial Gift Giver, or The Red-Suited Pa Is Due In This Burg
- Proceed Forth Declaring Upon A Specific Geological Alpine Formation, or Leave And Do an Elevated Broadcast
- Jovial Yuletide Desired For The Second Person Singular Or Plural By Us, or Our Fervent Hope Is That You Thoroughly Enjoy Your Yuletide Season
- Stepping Upon The Pad Cover
- Cap-Shaped Sounding Instruments Fashioned Of A White Metallic Element
- As the Guardians Of Little Woolly Animals Protect Their Charges In The Shadows Of The Earth
- Behold, I Envisioned A Trio Of Nautical Vessels
- A Joyful Song Of Reverence Relative To Hollow Metallic Vessels Which Vibrate And Bring Forth A Ringing Sound When Struck
- Do You Perceive the Same Longitudinal Pressure Which Stimulates My Auditory Sense Organs?
Christmas Carols Renamed (Answers)
- Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
- Silent Night
- O Little Town of Bethlehem
- Good King Wenceslas
- Deck the Halls
- Joy To The World
- Hark, The Herald Angels Sing
- We Three Kings
- Away In A Manger
- Angels We Have Heard On High
- O Come, All Ye Faithful
- O Holy Night
- Im Dreaming Of A White Christmas
- Jingle Bells
- The Twelve Days Of Christmas
- It Came Upon A Midnight Clear
- Frosty, The Snowman
- All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth
- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
- Winter Wonderland
- The First Noel
- Little Drummer Boy
- God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
- Santa Claus Is Coming to Town
- Go, Tell It On The Mountain
- We Wish You A Merry Christmas
- Up On The Housetop
- Silver Bells
- As Shepherds Watched Their Flocks By Night
- I Saw Three Ships Come Sailing In
- Carol Of The Bells
- Do You Hear What I Hear?
The four stages of life — 1) You believe in Santa Claus 2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus 3) You become Santa Claus 4) You look like Santa Claus.
In short, the joke is… — Our manager at the restaurant where I worked was a friendly, jovial man. But there was one subject you didn’t dare discuss in front of him–his height. Or, should I say, his lack of it. One day he stormed through the door and announced angrily, “Someone just picked my pocket!” Most of my fellow waitresses and I were speechless, except for one who blurted out, “How could anyone stoop so low?”
Honest to a point — A very successful investment counselor decided to start her own financial planning business. She was shrewd and diligent, and her list of clients grew quickly. She soon realized that she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers. “As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with one of the first applicants, “in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.” She leaned forward. “Mr. Peterson, are you an HONEST lawyer?” “Honest?” replied the job prospect. “Let me tell you something about honesty. Why, I’m so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.”
“Impressive… And what sort of case was that?” The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, “My father sued me for the money.”
Easy Diagnosis — A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. “Where are you hurting?” asked the doctor. You have to help me, I hurt all over”, said the woman. “What
do you mean, all over?” asked the doctor, “be a little more specific.” The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, “Ouch! That hurts.” Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, “Ouch! That hurts, too.” Then she touched her right earlobe, “Ouch, even THAT hurts”, she cried. The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, “My friend, you have a broken finger.”
Night vision — Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, “How’s the singing career going?” Stevie replies, “Not too bad. How’s the golf?” Woods replies, “Not too bad. I’ve had some problems with my swing, but I think I’ve got that fixed now.” Stevie says, “I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.” Incredulous, Tiger says, “You play GOLF?” Stevie says, “Yes, I’ve been playing for years.” Tiger says, “But — you’re blind! How can you play golf if you can’t see?” Stevie Wonder replies, “Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.” “But, how do you putt?” asks Tiger. “Well”, says Stevie, “I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball toward his voice.” Tiger asks, “What’s your handicap?” Stevie says, “Well, actually — I’m a scratch golfer.” Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, “We’ve got to play a round sometime.” Stevie replies, “Well, people don’t take me seriously, so I only play for money and never for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?” Woods thinks about it and says, “I can afford that; OK, I’m game … $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?” Stevie Wonder says, “Pick a night.”
Quiz for very bright people (answers follow the quiz) — This is a quiz for people who know everything! I found out in a hurry that I didn’t. These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with straight answers.
1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.
2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?
4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
5. In liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn’t been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
6. Name five words in the English language that start with ‘dw’.
7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?
8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.
9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter ‘S.’
Answers To Quiz:
1. Boxing.
2. Niagara Falls. The edge of the falls worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.
3. Asparagus and rhubarb.
4. The strawberry.
5. The pear grew inside the bottles. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing
season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.
6. Dwarf, dwell, dwindle, dwelling, dwelt, dwarfism, dwells, dwindles, dwindled, etc.
7. Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation mark, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.
8. Lettuce.
9. Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.
Great quote: While the Lord will magnify us in both subtle and dramatic ways, he can only guide our footsteps when we move our feet. Marion G. Romney (Ensign, May 1981, page 91)
The explanation: Brains of older people are slow because they know so much. People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe. Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full up, so to do humans take longer to access information, it has been suggested. Researchers say this slowing down it is not the same as cognitive decline. The human brain works slower in old age, said Dr. Michael Ramscar, but only because we have stored more information over time. The brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more. Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory problem; it is nature’s way of making older people do more exercise. SO THERE!
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