The Laws of Golf
The 26 universal and unalterable laws of the world’s most exasperating game:
No matter how bad your last shot was, you should have Inner Peace knowing that a worse one is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. Expensive clubs have also been known to be water-magnetic, especially when thrown.
Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
The higher a golfer’s handicap, the more qualified he deems himself to be an instructor of the game.
A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer, and an IRS agent — or some similar combination.
All 3-woods are demon-possessed. Your mother- in-law does not come close.
Golf balls from the same “sleeve” tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water. Refer to LAW 3 for more information.
The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
All vows, promises, and oaths made on a golf course shall be valid only until sunset.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, your fourth consecutive bad shot is really the beginning of the next group of three.
If it isn’t broke, try changing your grip.
It’s surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you’re lying 8.
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
It’s not a gimme if you’re still 4 feet away.
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time.
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make a double or triple bogey to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Phil Mickelson does, simply try to use your 7-iron to lay up just short of a water hazard.
There are only two things you can learn by stopping your back swing at the top and checking the position of your club: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing a glove.
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
Never buy a putter until you’ve had a chance to throw it once or twice.
On those rare occasions when your approach shot actually lands on the green, your ball is never as close to the hole as it appears to be from the fairway.
When you are not sure if your approach shot rolled off the back of the green, it did.