justfundadjokes | Church of Jesus Christ Facts

Dad Jokes! Exactly 365 ‘groaners’, one for every day of the year!

These groaner and eye-rolling jokes were presented by Eccolo Limited, T565T

Why are tennis players bad in relationships? Because ‘love’ means nothing to them.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
I am so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!
Can February March? No, but April May!
I am on a ‘seafood’ diet. I see food and I eat it.
If you see a crime at an Apple store, does that make you an I-Witness?
What do sprinters eat before a big race? Fast food, of course.
What do sprinters eat before a big race? Nothing! They fast!
Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was in tents.
What do you call a lonely cheese? Provolone.
Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine? He is fully recovered.
Did you hear about the power outlet that got into a fight with a power cord? He thought he could socket to him.
Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth? It is pasteurized before you even see it.
Did you know that the first French fries weren’t even cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.
Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy.
Dogs can’t operate MRI machines, but cats can.
Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything!
How can a leopard change his spots? By going from one spot to another.
How can you tell it is a dogwood tree? From its’ bark.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.
How do lawyers and attorneys say goodbye? We’ll be suing ya!
How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke.
How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it.
I like telling dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs.
Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.
Where do you learn to make a banana split? Sunday School.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies? With a doggy paddle.
Waiter: “Do you want to box your leftovers?” Dad: “No, but I’ll wrestle you for them.”
How does an Eskimo build his house? Igloos it together.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.
I could tell you a joke about pizza, but it’s a little cheesy.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, be aware that I will find you! You have my Word!
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
Do you want to hear a joke about paper? Never mind, it’s tearable.
Do you want to hear a joke about construction? Be patient, I am working on it.
What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.
What did Tennessee? The same thing as Arkansas.
What did the choir leader call his twin daughters? Anna One, Anna Two.
What did the fisherman say to the magician? Pick a cod, any cod.
What did the flowers do when the bride walked down the aisle? They rose.
What do you call 26 letters that went for a swim? Alphawetical.
Wife: “How do I look?” Husband: “With your eyes.”
What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear.
Did you hear about the guy that stole a calendar? He got 12 months.
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
An invisible woman married an invisible man. The kids were nothing to look at either.
What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish.
I don’t trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.
I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.
I tell Dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids. I’m a faux pa.
I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that’s just nuts.
I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
Why can’t leopards hide? Because they are always spotted.
I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.
I would avoid the sushi if I were you. It’s a little fishy.
I will call you later. Don’t call me later, call me Dad!
I have been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it is better than sitting around doing nothing.
I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey. But then I turned myself around.
It takes guts to be an organ donor.
My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.
Why don’t oceans ever go out of style? They’re always current.
Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Sundays are always a little sad, but the day before Sunday is a sadder day.
The rotation of the earth really makes my day.
The shovel was a groundbreaking invention.
What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I am going on ahead.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire! Frostbite!
That car looks nice, but the muffler looks exhausted.
What did the fly say to her husband when he came home late at night once again? You are such a fly by night!
Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all its problems.
What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.
I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust.
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad (towed).
What is the favorite snack of robots? Computer chips.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What does Rockin’ Robin do when she is bored? Tweet.
What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.
What does a vegetarian zombie eat? “Grrraaaiiins!”
What kind of egg did the evil chicken lay? A deviled egg.
What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom-broom.
What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.
What are terminators called when they retire? Exterminators.
What is an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.
What is black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door.
I would like to thanks sidewalks everywhere for keeping my kids off the streets.
Why don’t banks allow kangaroos to open bank accounts? Because their checks always bounce.
What is the favorite hobby of crafty dancers? Cutting a rug.
What is more impressive than a talking dog? A spelling bee.
What is that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas.
What is the most detail-oriented ocean? The Pacific (?)
What is the name of a very polite European body of water? Merci.
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.
The cashier at the grocery store asked if I wanted the milk in a bag. I replied, “No, just leave it in the carton.”
The cashier at the grocery store asked if I wanted the milk in a bag. I replied, “The cow was so glad to get the milk out of her bag. Why would we put it back?”
Where do baby cats learn to swim? In the kitty pool.
Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.
You are American when you enter a bathroom and you are American when you exit, but what you are while you are in the bathroom? European.
Why are elevator jokes so good? They work on so many levels.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they will fit me.
Dad, will you make me a sandwich? Yes, poof! You are a sandwich.
Dad, I am hungry. Hi, nice to meet you. I am dad.
We were getting fast-food and the worker asked, “Any condiments?” Dad responded, “Yes, you deserve a compliment. You look very nice today.”
I asked my dad for his best dad joke. He responded, “You!”
Me: “Where’s the bin?” Dad: “I haven’t been anywhere!”
if I had a dime for every book I have ever read, I would say: “Wow, that’s coincidental.”
A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
Did you hear about the man who invented lifesavers? They say he made a mint.
I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there.
I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I am just doing it for kicks.
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole-destroying.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Why do crabs never give to charity? They’re shellfish.
What do you call a man with no nose and no body? Nobody nose.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have grater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don’t think it’s feline well.
A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
I gave all my dead batteries away today, free of charge.
A red ship and a blue ship just collided in the Caribbean Sea. Apparently, the survivors are marooned.
What is the most popular fish in the ocean? A starfish.
Why did the football coach go the the bank? To get his quarter back.
There is a new type of broom available. It is sweeping the nation.
I slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace.
What is the Easter Bunny’s favorite type of music? Hip-hop.
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
A man walked into a restaurant and ordered helicopter-flavored fries. The waiter replied, “Sorry, mate. We only do plane.”
I knew that I should not have eaten that seafood, because now I am feeling a little eel.
“Hold on! I have something in my shoe! Oh, it’s okay. It is just a foot.”
Why do melons get married in a formal way? Because they cantaloupe!
What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.
What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.
What happened when two antennas got married? Well, the ceremony was boring, but the reception was great!
What is Forrest Gump’s password? 1FORREST1.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long.
What did one snowman say to another snowman? “Do you smell carrots?”
I was wondering why music was coming from my printer…apparently the paper was jamming.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
What kind of shoes does a thief wear? Sneakers!
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? At the stock market.
The bank keeps calling me, just to give me compliments. They always say, “You have an outstanding balance!”
What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An orca-stra.
Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah.
Why did the Clydesdale horse give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse.
What did the daddy tomato say to the baby tomato? Catch up!
What does a cow use to do math? A cow-culator.
What did baby corn say to mama corn? Where’s pop corn?
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What did the buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road? To go with the traffic jam.
Why does a chicken coop have only two doors? If it had 4 doors, it would be a chicken sedan.
Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they would be bay-gulls.
What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.
What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt.
Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.
Why don’t skeletons ever go trick-or-treating? They have no body to go with.
Have you ever heard of the musical group called ‘Cellophane’? They mostly do wrap.
What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo.
Why does Superman get invited to so many dinners? He is a supperhero.
Why are Saturday and Sunday the strongest days? All the others are weakdays.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
I am reading a book on the history of glue. I cannot put it down.
What is orange and sounds like a parrot. A carrot.
I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
What is brown and sticky? A stick.
What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He just let out a little wine.
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.
What happens when a frog’s car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn’t work, he has to get it toad.
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
Can one bird make a pun? No. But toucan.
When is a door not a door? When it is ajar.
What musical instrument is always found in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste.
Why did the picture go to jail? It was framed.
Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball.
What do sea monsters eat for lunch? Fish and ships.
Why was the horse so happy? He lived in a stable environment.
How do trees access the internet. They log in.
What did one eye say to the other eye? Between you and me, something smells.
What is the best Christmas present ever? A broken drum — you can’t beat it.
Why couldn’t the mail person deliver any envelopes? They were stationary.
What do ghosts serve for dessert? I scream.
How well did I hang up that picture? You nailed it!
Why should you wear two pair of pants when you golf? Just in case you get a hole-in-one.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
I can cut down a tree using only my vision. I saw it with my own eyes.
The recipe said to set the oven to 180 degrees. Now I can’t open the oven because it faces the wall.
What is the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.
What is the king of all school supplies? The ruler.
Where do frogs deposit their money. In a river bank.
Why can’t you trust anything balloons say? They are full of hot air.
What did the paper say to the pencil? You have a good point there!
Why do skunks celebrate Valentines’ Day? They are very scent-imental.
What does the clock do when it gets hungry? It goes back four seconds.
Why are pigs so bad at sports? They are always hogging the ball.
Why are doctors always calm? They have a lot of patients.
What award did the inventor of ‘knock-knock’ jokes receive? The No Bell Prize.
What is the difference between a guitar and a fish? You can’t tuna fish.
Why can’t the bank keep a secret? It has too many tellers.
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because you can see right through them.
How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.
What is the best way to communicate with a fish? Drop it a line.
Why is a sporting event a good place to go on a hot day? Because there are lots of fans there.
How much does a pirate pay for corn? A buccaneer.
Where do sharks go on vacation? Finland.
Why shouldn’t you tell an egg a joke? Because it might crack up.
Why is Peter Pan always flying? He never lands.
How did the police finally stop the paint thief? They caught him red-handed.
Why are cats bad story tellers? The only have one tale.
What state do crayons go to when they are on vacation? Color-ado.
Why did the belt get arrested? It held up a pair of pants.
What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.
What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks.
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
Why do geologists hate their jobs? They get taken for granite.
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them? So when they dock at a harbor, they can Scandinavian.
If you ever want to talk about why our air conditioning bill is so high, my door is always open.
What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 cent featuring Nickelback.
To get over claustrophobia, you really need to think outside the box.
A salesman tried to sell me a burial plot. That is the last thing I need.
Why aren’t koalas actually bears? They don’t meet the koalafication.
I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang. Eventually, it came back to me.
How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.
Why did the man decide to sell his vacuum? It was just collecting dust.
My wife is really mad about the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.
Why is Orion’s belt the worst constellation? It’s a waist of space.
Why was the robot so tired after his road trip? He had a hard drive.
Why did the power point presentation cross the road. To get to the other slide.
My son put his shoes on the wrong feet. I don’t even know where he got someone else’s feet.
I just found out I am colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the blue.
What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton.
I am reading a book about antigravity. I can’t put it down.
Why was the burglar so sensitive? He takes things very personally.
I would not buy anything with Velcro. It is a total rip-off.
I invented a new word today: plagiarism.
After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.
What did the alpaca say to his date? Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
Have you heard about the new corduroy pillowcases? They are making head lines.
5/4 of people admit that they are bad with fractions.
When do tailors need to go on vacation? When they seem stressed.
What does a bee use to brush its hair? A honeycomb.
What did the shoe say to the hat? You go on ahead.
A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. I told him my dogs don’t even own bikes.
What is the resemblance between a red apple and a green apple? They are both red, except for the green one.
How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.
Why did the traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.
I tried watching “The Never-ending Story”. I couldn’t finish it.
Why shouldn’t you try writing with a broken pencil? It is pointless.
Why should you buy socks with holes in them? It’s the only way to get your feet into them.
Did you hear the joke about the roof? Never mind, it’s over your head.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
Why do fish live in saltwater? Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
How do you remember which direction the sun rises in? Eventually, it will dawn on you.
Why are mountains so good at telling jokes? Because they are hill areas.
When does a ‘dad joke’ cost $1,000? When it is a grandad joke.
Why can’t you trust stairs? Because they are always up to something.
What did one elevator say to another elevator? I think I am coming down with something.
What is the 25th letter of the alphabet? I don’t know, Y?
What is Harry Potter’s favorite way to get down a hill? Walking, JK, Rolling.
How do you handle a fear of elevators? You take steps to avoid them.
How can you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? By whether you see it later or in a while.
How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool.
How can you tell if a person is a highway robber by looking at his house? All the signs will be there.
How do you make an egg roll? Just give it a little push.
How can you make money while freshening your breath? Investmints.
What is the favorite genre of windmills? They are big metal fans.
The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
Shopping centers — if you have seen one, you have seen the mall.
My ceiling isn’t the best, but it’s up there.
I love whiteboards. They are remarkable.
Yesterday a clown held a door open for me. It was such a nice jester.
Why can’t you run through a campground? Because it is past tents.
An atom lost an electron. It really should keep an ion them.
What’s the best time on a clock? It is 6:30, hands down.
What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music.
What does C. S. Lewis keep in his wardrobe? Narnia business.
I put all of my cash into an origami business. It folded.
I was worried about being in a long-distance relationship. But so far so good.
I’m going to try Velcro rather than shoelaces. Why knot?
What do you call an elephant that does not matter? Irrelephant.
Why was the octopus able to beat the shark in a fight? The octopus came well armed.
What does a baby computer call his father? Data.
What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener.
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling.
Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? “Supplies!”
What is the loudest pet you can buy? A trumpet.
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”
What do you call a fish with no eye? Fsh.
I was interrogated over the theft of a cheese toasty. Man, they really grilled me.
What did one Dorito farmer say to the other? Cool ranch!
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil.
I am thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it is holding me back.
Don’t worry if you miss a gym session. Everything will work out.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It is very time-consuming.
What did the horse say after it tripped? “Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyap!”
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye, matey.
What’s E.T. short for? Because he’s got little legs.
How many bugs do you need to rent out an apartment? Tenants.
Why are colds such bad robbers? Because they are so easy to catch.
Why is 6 scared of 7? Because 7 ate 9.
Have you heard the joke about the bed? It hasn’t been made up yet.
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.
I saw an ad in a window that said, “Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”
What did the pirate get on his report card? Seven C’s!
What do you call a person in a tree with a briefcase? A branch manager.
What did Mario say when he broke up with Princess Peach? It’s not you, it’s a-me, Mario”
Why do pancakes always win at baseball? They have the best batter.
Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.
Why do cow-milking stools only have three legs? Because the cow has the udder.
I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.
My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That’s my stepladder,” he said, “I never knew my real ladder.”
What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates.
My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, “I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.”
Where do pirates get their hooks? At secondhand stores.
What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barber queue.
What is a guitar player’s favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.
How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.
What do you call a wizard who is really bad at football? Fumbledore.
I don’t understand why bakers aren’t wealthier. They make so much dough.
I am afraid for the calendar. It’s days are numbered.
My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.
Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? In case they get a hole in one.
What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems!
How does the Moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.
Where do fruits go on vacation? Pear-is.
What has more letters than the alphabet? The Post Office!
How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.
Why don’t eggs tell each other jokes? They would crack each other up.
Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I am not going to spread it.
What does a lemon say when it answers the phone? Yellow!
What kind of car does an egg drive? A Yolkswagen.
Why didn’t the skeleton climb the mountain? It didn’t have the guts to do it.
How many dad jokes can you stand for in one day? I can’t stand for any, and I can only sit for 2 or 3.
Why does the haphazard man keep a fly swatter by his bed? He is a bit of a ‘fly-by-night’.
Why did the husband point a finger at his wife? It was too hard to point a toe.
Why did the pretty lady spend so much time in groves of trees? She loved eye shadows.
Why did the carpet installer go to so many dances? He loved to cut a rug!
How was the attorney able to maintain such an orderly home? He knew how to lay down the law.
If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
What country’s capital is growing the fastest? Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.
When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know…
A guy walks into a bar… and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.
I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it will get a reaction
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn’t know it was on fire.
How does a taco say grace? Lettuce pray.
What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.
This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.

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