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Scripture Jokes and Riddles ( ** )

 Scripture Jokes and Riddles

This page contains some entertaining scripture jokes and quips. If you know of one that is not included in the listing, email me at [email protected] and I will add it to the list, with an acknowledgment of you as the contributor (clean, wholesome, and uplifting contributions only, please).

 

  • Old Testament
    • Genesis 1:1 — The first mention of baseball in the Bible? This verse states that in the “big inning” (beginning) God created the heaven and the earth. *
    • Genesis — Is the Lord really an anesthesiologist? Perhaps, since this verse states that the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam. *
    • Genesis -22 — Is this the first mention of electronic equipment in the Bible? Some would say yes, because from Adam’s rib was created the first loud speaker.
    • Genesis 3:6 — What is the phone number for the Garden of Eden?  Adam 8-1-2
    • Genesis — If Methuselah is the person who lived the longest, how is it that he died before his father did? Moses 7:68-69 and Moses 8:1 tell us that
      the days of Enoch (Methuselah’s father) were 430 years and he was then taken up into heaven without tasting death.
    • Genesis 7 — The wealthiest rancher in the Bible? Probably Noah, as he had all the ‘stock’ while everyone else was liquidated. (Submitted by Dan Bates)
    • Genesis 7:13-17 — Who was the best financial planner in the Bible? Probably Noah, because he kept his stock afloat while the rest of the world was under liquidation. (Submitted by E. J. Colby). *
    • Genesis 24:64 — The first mention of smoking in the Bible? It must be this verse wherein it states that Rebekah lighted off the camel.
    • Genesis 39:4 — The first mention of tennis in the Bible? This verse states that Joseph served in Pharoah’s court. (Submitted by Dan Bates) *
    • Exodus 2:1-6 — Who was the best financier in the Bible? Probably Pharoah’s daughter because she got a little profit (prophet) by a rush on the bank!
    • Exodus 12:50-51 — Who was the best obstetrician in the Bible? Probably Moses, because he delivered all of the children of Israel! (Submitted by E. J. Colby).
    • Leviticus 2:14-16 — Popcorn mentioned in the Bible?  Check out these verses!  And don’t forget to salt the popcorn — see verse 13 in the same chapter!
    • Numbers 11:28 — Which person in the Bible had no parents?  “Joshua the son of Nun”
    • Numbers — A talking donkey? Yes, as this verse states, “And the Lord opened the mouth of the ass, and she (the ass) said unto Balaam, What have I done unto thee, that thou hast smitten me these three times?”.
    • Deuteronomy — A very large bed! Og, described as a giant, had a bedstead that was 13.5 cubits (13’6″) long and 4 cubits (6′) wide!
    • Joshua 6:5 — Joshua drove a Dodge truck? This verse states, “…when they make a long blast with the ram’s horn…”   *
    • Ruth 4:13 — What kind of a man was Boaz before he married?  Ruth-less!  *
    • 2 Samuel — King David had big feet? In this verse, David praises the Lord by saying, “Thou has enlarged my steps under me; so that my feet did
      not slip.”
    • 2 Kings 2:23-24 — The consequence of mocking a prophet? In this instance, the consequence was an attack by wild bears!
    • 2 Kings 22:14 —   On-campus  housing in the Old Testament?  Apparently so.  Huldah lived in Jerusalem in the college!
    • 2 Chronicles 34:22 — A university student mentioned in the Old Testament? Yes, as this verse tells us that Huldah lived in Jerusalem at the college. *
    • Ezra 9:3 — A wonderful scriptural response to a “Dear John” letter! This verse reads, “And when I heard this thing, I rent my garment and my
      mantle, and plucked off the hair of my head and of my beard, and sat down astonished.”
    • Nehemiah — Clothing that lasted 40 years? In describing Moses and the wandering Israelites, this verse says, “…forty years didst thou sustain them in the wilderness, so that they lacked nothing; their clothing waxed not old,…“
    • Esther — Mordecai was a BYU Cougar fan! This verse states, “…Mordecai went out from the presence of the king in royal apparel of blue and white…”  *
    • Proverbs 7:9 — Batman in the Bible?  This verse mentions the Dark Knight.
    • Proverbs — Gray hair is glorious? This verse states, “The hoary head (the gray hair of old age) is a crown of glory, if it be found in the way of
      righteousness.”
    • Proverbs — Forget about using Grecian Formula! “The glory of young men is their strength: and the beauty of old men is the gray head.”  *
    • Proverbs — Contentious men and women? Men are quick to point out this disturbing verse, but it could just as easily say, “It is better to dwell in the wilderness than with a domineering and overbearing man.” (Submitted by Matthew Winslett)
    • Proverbs 25:25 — A clever way for a missionary to tell his family how much he appreciates their letters: “As cold waters to a thirsty soul, so is good news from a far country.”
    • Proverbs 27:14 — Anyone who has trouble with a loud spouse or companion in the mornings could use this scripture: “He that blesseth
      his friend with a loud voice, rising early in the morning, it shall be counted a curse to him.”
    • Proverbs 28:25 — Obesity is a reward for trusting in God? Apparently so, as this verse states, “…he that putteth his trust in the Lord shall be made fat.”
    • Psalms 83:15 — The Lord owns a Pontiac and a Geo? This verse urges the Lord to “…persecute them with thy tempest, and make them afraid
      with thy storm.”
    • Ecclesiastes 10:19 — Money talks!  This scripture says that “…money answereth all things.”   *
    • Ecclesiastes — Want to get out of doing your homework? Quote this verse to your parents! “…of making many books there is no end; and much study is a weariness of the flesh.”
    • Isaiah 5:8 — Why should contractors and developers who build twin homes and condominiums be concerned? Because this verse says, “Woe unto them that join house to house,…”  *
    • Isaiah — The Lord is a surgeon? This verse states: “…but they regard not the work of the Lord, neither consider the operation of his hands.”
    • Isaiah 6:5 — Another response to a “Dear John” letter: “Then said I, Woe is me! for I am undone;”
    • Isaiah 20:2-4 — A three-year nude stint for Isaiah? You be the judge.
    • Isaiah 28:20 — How a lot of tall missionaries feel when they serve in foreign countries. This verse states: “For the bed is shorter than that a man can stretch himself on it: and the covering narrower than that he can wrap himself in it.”
    • Isaiah 37:36 — Dead people can arise and walk? This verse says, “Then the angel of the Lord went forth, and smote in the camp of the Assyrians 185,000: and when they arose early in the morning, behold, they were all dead corpses.”
    • Isaiah 56:10-11 —
    • Isaiah 57:4 — Does the Bible condemn “French kissing”? Check it out!
    • Jeremiah 10:3-4 — Christmas trees mentioned in the Bible?  Yes, indeed!  See these verses!  *
    • Jeremiah 32:37 — The Lord drives a car? This verse states: “…I will gather them out of all countries, whither I have driven them in mine anger and in my fury…”
    • Lamentations — Lots of attractive women in Zion? Yes, because this verse states that “…the foxes walk upon the mountain of Zion.”
    • Hosea 7:9 — Grecian Formula in Old Testament times? Yes, because this verse states that, “…gray hairs are here and there upon [the men of Ephraim], and [they] knoweth not.”
    • Nahum 3:19 — Carotid artery narrowing in the Bible?  In this verse it talks of hearing a “bruit”!  Look it up!
    • Zechariah 2:6 — Santa Claus mentioned in the Old Testament? This verse says, “Ho, ho, come forth, and flee from the land of the north…”  *
    • Zechariah 5:1 — A food fight? This verse states, “Then I turned, and lifted up mine eyes, and looked, and behold a flying roll.”
    • The most constipated persons in the Bible?  Click here.
  • New Testament
    • Matthew 5:16 — This is a Halloween scripture!  It mentions ‘witches in heaven’.   :o)
    • Matthew 7:6 — Pigs with pearl necklaces? Perhaps so, if you cast your pearls accurately.
    • Matthew 15:20 — Kids, are you tired of having to wash your hands before dinner?  Just read this verse to your parents and your woes are over.
    • Matthew 25:21 — How does the Lord like his steaks prepared?  Apparently, well done!  In this verse, the Lord says, “Well done, thou good and faithful servant…”
    • Mark 13:37 — Time pieces in the New Testament?  This verse mentions watches!
    • Luke 2:16 — Apparently the manger was quite crowded at the time of the Savior’s birth.  This verse says that the shepherds found “Mary, and Joseph, and the babe lying in a manger.”
    • Luke — News reporters in the New Testament? This verse states, “Then came to him (Jesus) his mother and his brethren, and [they] could not come at him for the press.”  *
    • Acts 2:1 — The apostles drove Honda cars?  Apparently so.  This verse states that “…they were all with one Accord in one place.”  (A kind friend shared this scripture joke with me and I misplaced his name.  I wanted to give him credit for this joke and the one following it.  I hope he reads this and sends me his name again so that I can give proper credit for the joke.)
    • Acts 2:46 — More evidence that the apostles drove Honda automobiles.  This verse says: “And they, continuing with one Accord in the temple…”.  It sounds like they participated in ride sharing.
    • Acts 6:2 — The apostles as waiters? This verse states, “Then the twelve called the multitude…unto them and said, It is not reason that we should leave the word of God and serve tables.”
    • Acts 9:34 — Does the Lord care if we make our beds or not?  Apparently, He does.  Peter, upon healing Aeneas, told him “…make thy bed…”!
    • Acts 10:1 — Orchestras in the New Testament? This verse states, “There was a certain man…called Cornelius, a centurion of the band called the Italian band,…“
    • Acts 19:8 — A sermon that lasted for THREE MONTHS??  I’m afraid so.  Check out this verse!
    • Acts 27:43-44 — Paul was a surfer? Apparently so. These verses describe how, after a shipwreck, Paul and others got safely to shore on boards.  *
    • 1 Corinthians -35 — Women should not speak in church? If a sister would prefer not to speak in Stake Conference or in a Sacrament Meeting, just quote these verses to your priesthood leaders!
    • 2 Corinthians 10:9-11 — Good verses for missionaries to send home to family and friends if they aren’t receiving enough mail from home, “For his letters, say they, are weighty and powerful…“.
    • 2 Corinthians — Holy kisses? This verse tells us to “Greet one another with an holy kiss.”
    • Galatians — Another verse for missionaries to use to get more mail from home: “Ye see how large a letter I have written unto you with mine own
      hand.”
    • Ephesians — The Savior is an honorary Native American? This verse tells us that he is Chief Corner Stone.
    • 1 Thessalonians — A great verse for missionaries to use as they write home; my heart is with you even though I cannot be with you personally.
    • 1 Thessalonians — More holy kissing!
    • 1 Timothy — A great verse to send home just before you return from your mission. “These things write I unto thee, hoping to come unto thee shortly:”
    • 1 Timothy 5:1 — Why we shouldn’t mess with the full-time missionaries! “Rebuke not an elder.”
    • 2 Timothy 1:4 — A verse for a love-sick elder to send home to his girlfriend? “Greatly desiring to see thee, being mindful of thy tears,…“.
    • Philemon — A great verse to send to someone who has been faithful and obedient. “Having confidence in thy obedience I wrote unto thee, knowing that thou wilt also do more than I say.”
    • 2 John — Another good verse to send home just before your mission ends.
    • 3 John -14 — Yet another good reference to send home just before your mission ends.
    • Revelation 10:10 — Most favorite Bible verse for New Zealanders?  This verse contains the phrase “sweet as”, a Kiwi favorite.
  • Book of Mormon
    • 1 Nephi — The most famous impersonator in the Book of Mormon? It must be Nephi, as this verse states that Nephi commanded Zoram in the voice of Laban that he should go with Nephi into the treasury.
    • 1 Nephi — The Lord is an avid golfer? Perhaps, since this verse states that, “…the course of the Lord is one eternal round.”
    • 1 Nephi 5:8 — Lehi had a pet insect? Well, the Lord commanded Lehi to take his family and flea (flee) into the wilderness.
    • 2 Nephi — Jacob disrobes in front of a congregation? Check it out.
    • 2 Nephi 9:39 — An admonition to S-M-I-L-E (“…Spiritual Mindedness Is Life Eternal…”
    • 2 Nephi — Obesity condoned? This verse says, “…and let your soul delight in fatness.”
    • 2 Nephi — Perhaps sleeping in each morning is a good idea? This verse decries those who rise up early in the morning. (Finn K.)
    • 2 Nephi — Go easy on semi-sweet chocolate! (Finn K.)
    • 2 Nephi 16:1 — The Lord is an engineer?  This verse says that His TRAIN filled the temple.  Trains are driven by engineers.
    • 2 Nephi 28:15 — The name of God’s horse?  It must be ‘Unto them’ because the Lord said, “Wo [whoa], be unto them!”
    • Mosiah — King Benjamin had pulpit-fright? He said, “…even at this time, my whole frame doth tremble exceedingly while attempting to speak unto you;”
    • Mosiah 6:5 — A three-year old king in the Book of Mormon? This verse states that “…king Benjamin lived three years and he died.” (Finn K.)
    • Mosiah 6:6 — Living dangerously? This verse says that “…king Mosiah did walk in the ways of the Lord…“. A person would be wise to do all he could to stay out of the way of the Lord! (Finn K.)
    • Mosiah — Cyclops in the Book of Mormon? Alma told the saints at the waters of Mormon that “…they should look forward with one eye.”  *
    • Mosiah 25:15 — Giants in the Book of Mormon? This verse tells us that Alma spoke to people “…when they were gathered together in large bodies“.
    • Alma 10:6 — July 4th is mentioned in the Book of Mormon?  Yes, indeed!  This verse mentions the 4th day of the 7th month!
    • Alma — Alma’s checking account? He saw a “great check”.
    • Alma 17:37-38 — Slot machines in the Book of Mormon? In these verses, Ammon cut off the arms of several robbers. They thus became ‘one-armed bandits’ (slot machines).
    • Alma 30:60 — Lucifer is into drag racing? Sounds like it, because this verse says, “…we see that the devil will not support his children at the last day, but doth speedily drag them down to hell.” What a race! (Submitted by Jay Hales)
    • Alma 52:31 — Longer months in the Book of Mormon? Apparently so, because this verse states, “…but the Lamanites were wearied because of their long march.”
    • Alma 56:30-33 — Which date is mentioned the most in the Book of Mormon?  March 4th is mentioned 4 times in these verses.
    • Alma 56:50 — More long months? This time the army of Antipus was weary “…because of their long march.”
    • Alma 60:6 — A great verse for missionaries to use if they aren’t receiving enough mail from home. This verse states, “…we desire to know the cause of this exceedingly great neglect;…“
    • Helaman — Very, very small people in the Book of Mormon? Yes, as this verse states that the people were gathered together in small bodies. This verse also contains a date – “march forth”!
    • Helaman — Nephi had a horse? Probably, as this verse quotes him as saying, “…whoa (wo), be unto you..” The horse’s name must have been ‘be unto you’!
    • 3 Nephi 17:16 — Is it sometimes permissible to have your eyes open during a prayer?  Some of the Nephites did.  See this verse.
    • 4 Nephi — There were no termites in Book of Mormon times? This verse says, “There were no robbers, nor murderers, neither were there Lamanites, nor any manner of –ites…“
    • Mormon 7:7 — Why every Latter-day Saint should sing in his or her ward choir! All those who are found guiltless and dwell with God in his Kingdom will
      “…sing ceaseless praises with the choirs above, unto the Father…“. It would serve us well to get as much practice as we can here on earth, with the hope that we will be in that great choir.
    • Ether 1:6 — Anesthetics in the Book of Mormon? There is a whole book talking about ether.
    • Ether — The Jaredites left the Tower of Babel in cars? In this verse, Jared asks if the Lord “…will drive us out of the land,…“
    • Ether 2:5 — Star Trek in the Book of Mormon?  This verse mentions, “…where there never had been man..”  Sounds very much like Star Trek.
    • Ether 2:13-14 — Be cautious when camping on the beach.  It might cause you to forget to pray.
    • Ether — The smallest man in the Book of Mormon? Probably Ether, as this verse tells us that he dwelt in a cavity, and dental cavities aren’t very big.
    • Ether  — Jaredites who had trouble sleeping? These ones must have, as these verses tell us that they slept on their swords. Ouch!
    • Moroni — Why should dog-owners be worried? This verse admonishes, “…that ye become holy, without Spot (spot)“.
  • Doctrine & Covenants and Pearl of Great Price
    • D&C 4:4 and — Why are there more wicked people than righteous people? These verses tell us that the righteous harvest with a sickle and the forces of hell use a combine!
    • D&C 52:14 — Satan is a woman? This verse states that Satan is abroad (a broad) in the land.
    • D&C 62:7 — Horse and mule owners among the Lord’s favorites? This verse would lead you to believe so.
    • D&C 81:5 — Orthopedic surgeons among the Lord’s favorites? They are following the Lord’s command to “…strengthen the feeble knees…“.
    • D&C 84:80 — Bald missionaries should find comfort in this verse. It states that when a man goes forth to preach the gospel, “…a hair of his head shall not fall to the ground unnoticed.”
    • D&C 85:3 — The verse which explains why tithing is excellent ‘fire insurance’. It states, “…to tithe his people, to prepare them against the day of
      vengeance and burning…”
    • D&C 88:95 — No teenagers present at the time of the Second Coming? Apparently not, because this verse says that “…there will be silence in heaven for the space of half an hour…” at that time.
    • D&C 90:25 — The D&C admonishes us to have small families? Check it out!
    • D&C 130:12 — Where will the Savior appear at His Second Coming?  Someone who hastily reads this verse might come to the conclusion that  “… the coming of the Son of Man will be in South Carolina.”
    • Moses 1:14 — Moses reveals Lucifer’s nickname?  In this verse, Moses declares to Satan, “…I can look upon thee in the natural man.  Is it not so, surely?”  Lucifer’s nickname must be Shirley (with an odd spelling).   :o)
    • Moses 6:38 — President Charles A. Rudd of the New Zealand Hamilton Mission used this verse to warn his missionaries about himself.  He told them that once again “…a wild man [himself] hath come among us…”
  • Miscellaneous scripture jokes:
    • Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?  It must have been Pharaoh’s daughter.  She found a little prophet [profit] by a rush on the bank.
    • What was the first electronic device mentioned in the Bible?  It must have been when the Lord created a ‘loud speaker’ from Adam’s rib.  :o)
    • If Methuselah was the oldest man in the Bible (Genesis 5:27), how is it that he died before his father?  His father Enoch was taken into heaven without tasting death (Moses 8:1-2).
    • Elder David Thomson, Area Authority in the Pacific area, share the story of a particularly challenging day.  He eventually opened his scriptures, hoping to find peace and solace.  He read that Judas had hung himself!  Not gaining much peace from that verse, he quickly flipped the pages to another verse.  It said, “Go thou and do likewise”.  Very disheartened now, he tried one more time, flipping to another verse.  He read, “What thou doest, do it quickly.”  (John 13:27)
    • Technically, Moses was the first person with a ‘tablet’ ‘downloading’ data from the ‘cloud’.  This was volunteered by a friend whose name I misplaced.  I hope he will read this and send me his name again so that I can give credit where credit is due.

 

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